excuses

I haven’t posted anything in a while. In more than a year. As in nothing at all for 2018. Well, there are many factors,er, excuses I can think of why I'm in such a slump for quite some time now

Discipline. I just don’t have it. Before, I was committed to write at least five hundred words in a day. I even used to keep a journal for that. Now, my thoughts are just expressed on a tweet or two. So, no one else is at fault but me you see.

I write at work day in day out. My job entails writing a synopsis of what had transpired and expressed my "thoughtful observation" about it viz a viz the established processes. I might be using the same catch phrases or rehashing the same sentences over and over but hey it still writing. Of some kind. Anyways, one could argue that the writing style at work is a different from what I am blurting out in here. My counter argument is that I’m just tired. That’s all. Sure, I can face the computer again by the time I got home but my brains are begging not to write again please.

Just recently, I tried to write, in longhand mind you, but it only lasted for about a week.

I am also wasting my time consuming media content. Most of my free time is consumed by YouTube. I spend at least an hour everyday watching some random videos the algorithm has to offer. And then there’s Netflix of course. You know how it is when you go on binge watching mode.

And then there’s this issue about privacy. I am writing anonymously on this blog I know. However, there’s no denying that there are some people on this planet that knows my real identity. You know, those in the position or those who have the technical know-how that can track me down. That’s  the downside of having this technology in these troubled times that we live in. Nothing can be private anymore as long as you are using a piece of tech. Am I being paranoid? Yes.

So there. Anyways, I hope I can post again something soon. Haha.

samsung internet browser with chrome bookmarks

I never used the stock internet browser of my galaxy phones. For the longest time, I simply use Google Chrome because I want my bookmarks from my desktop browser readily available on my phone. It would be too much of a hassle to build folders of bookmarks from scratch.

I just discovered there is a work around. One would just have to add the extension called Samsung Internet on their Chrome desktop. Once logged in (using the same credentials you used on your phone of course), it will automatically import all your bookmarks. Sweet.

So far, the Samsung Internet Browser works fine for me with no hiccups. I must say it is a tad faster than Chrome too. I also like how some of the functions are just below the page for easy access. 

But what I really love about this browser is that it supports ad block extensions. Isn’t that neat? My only gripe about this app is its icon that resembles the planet Saturn. Way before, it was just a globe. Based on the advertisement of the app, the current icon also represents Earth- just spinning around. Lame.

unhappy

I am. For the longest time I suppose. I have never been truly happy. Like 24/7 kind of happy, Sure I have a couple or two moments of pure bliss. But that’s what they are. Moments.

Most of the time it is shitty. Every day of the week. Different variations, different degrees but still the same shit.

So what do I do to ease my weary mind? I don't do drugs and I am not planning to ever. Yes, I have oral sex every weekend but that’s just about it.

If listening to music fails me, I chant. Hell yeah, I chant like a freaking Buddhist monk. Silly right for an atheist like me. But you got to understand. In some way or another, I have to trick this fucking brain of mine to shut the fuck up.

So yeah. That is what I do. It has been a couple of days now that I chant “om nama shivaya”. In various styles mind you.

You could blame the book Eat, Pray, Love. Hey, it is a good book. Well, I have not finished yet but so far it was funny. And sad. I promise to be done with it by the end of this month. And yeah sure I will watch the move again.

So cheers to my mundane life. I am writing this because I am really down. Like several weeks depressed kind of down. So I guess I’d better write again and revive this blog.

2015

Two weeks more and another year will end. I don't exactly know how to describe the year that was. Had I been happy? Well, my share of anxiety and insecurities are greater it seems. The only consolation is I survived it all.

I made no accomplishment whatsoever. It still was and is the same old me. I have been either too afraid or complacent to get out of my comfort zone. I am as always stuck on this mud that I so much hate.

On the other hand, I guess I am still one hell of a lucky son of a bitch. I am still non-reactive. I am glad that two of my friends in college are also negative. We are due to have another test by February next year. But I fucked him unsafe this morning. I know. Such stupidity.

That is exactly what is wrong with. I have no self-control at times. No discipline. This year alone I think I attempted to quit smoking three or four times. I am still the same nicotine addict that I am. The thing is, and this had been my excuse for the longest time, this is the only vice I have. This is the only way I can "bond" with my other office mates. When we go down to smoke, that is the only time we can talk some other stuff other than work. And some other stuff that is not supposed to be shared with other peeps.

I am 35 years old and I feel so old. Never felt this when I was 34. For crying out loud I will be 36 by next May of next year. This worries me a lot. And so does my big belly. The latest pair of jeans I bought is already size 36! No I am not that fat-looking. All these unwanted fats are concentrated on my midsection that I almost look like pregnant. Heck I bet if is still have long flowing locks, people will think I am with a child and that I have a womb.

So there. That basically sums up my 2015. A year that I was depressed most of the times.

national heroes day

ang alam ko, tanga lungs ako. the things you do for love...

sabi ng kabarkada ko nun college, martir ako. bayani. kaya daw siguro ngayon ang movie date namin eh kasi national heroes day. pak. sakto para sa 'kin. appreciation day ba ganyan.

natawa naman ako. ay bet ko i-shout out yan. gow lang daw at ila-like nya. kaso how can i do it without being so obvious. wag na nga lang. okay naman kami eh. 

pero kahit siya na kaibigan ko na hindi alam ang buong storya knows it is superficial. panlabas lang ba. i said i can manage. i have been managing for more than a year now. so i told him one of this days i will tell him the whole story. 

so far, only four people knows about it. sa side ko that is.

he's family knows he have the disease na. the last time i went with his family was to have this father's day dinner sa UP Town Center. parang wala lang... 

so anong bago sa amin? wala. once a week pa din kami magkita. minsan twice 'pag nasa mood siya or pag may holiday just like today. pero sa mga kabadminton nya, mga twice or thrice a week....maybe i should give him a deadline too so that his so called buddies will know the whole deal? 

i  supposed to get my third test nun july pa. anong petsa na di ba. siguro by next week i will make it a point na talaga. i will bring my other college kabarkada. hopefully pareahas lang kami non-reactive still. got to have that test before we celebrate our eight years by next month.

i have not posted anything in a while. even dun sa other blog ko where my true identity is not hidden.. so sorry naman sa makakabasa nito. nagtype lang me. walang edit.

cheers na lang sa mga katulad kong bayani.

anonymity

All this time I thought that by hiding my identity, it would give me more freedom to write. Although I am already hiding on this pen name, I am still hesitant to loose my reign and just type away whatever is on my mind. Still paranoid that someday somebody I know might stumble on this this crap.

Which got me to thinking to have another blog you know. One that has my real identity stamped on it. I suppose I can bear them people I know judge my writing. What the hell. I suppose I just have to bear with it.

There's this cousin of my bhe who's back into blogging. I added him on Facebook that's why I know. Got me inspired I suppose. And on his entry today I discovered his brother is into blogging too.

So there. Maybe with my real name affixed on it I would write more, no? I don't have to announce yet to the peeps I know that I am maintaining a blog. Let them stumble on it.

Yeah I suppose that is what I would do. Create a new one but of course keep this one. This is for certain things that them friends of mine don't necessarily have to know.

listening skills

You know how it is when you were busy minding your own worries in life then somebody comes along and vent out her own frustrations? Momentarily you would forget you own despairs. Much so if her problems are worse than yours.

I stayed late at work to lessen the piling work load of mine, unpaid of course. And there she was at the lobby waiting for another officemate of mine, her closest I suppose. She was part of my program but then got fired for all those tardiness she incurred. During her stay, I would say we were not really friends but she was one of those few peeps I exchanged pleasantries with.

Turned out that friend of hers went home already. So our few exchange of hellos became an hour or so of therapy session. For both of us I would say. As she was venting our her heartaches, I played the shrink part, giving out my two cents about all of it. At the same time, I was also reassessing myself.

I thought it was just a simple case of infidelity. Sure I said to myself I can relate to that. Very much. But as she was unraveling her story, it was worse than I have thought.

Of course there's that third wheel on the picture- that other woman who couldn't care less as long as she gets her man. But other than that, O's problem is biological too. She would have to go under an operation in order to bear a child. Her man of three years from what I could tell didn't love her that much to shoulder the expenses for it

So that's the gist of it. Of course she went out ranting her fears, frustrations etc. around it. I listened to her with an understanding heart and only dished out my own opinions whenever she asked me what to do. My advice on her was that, it is okay to be stupid because of love but up to a point- that she doesn't deserve all of these miseries. She would have to make a decision. She has to demand a decision from her boyfriend as well. And both of them would have to live by it whatever it may be.

I gave her my number just in case she thinks she needs someone to talk. I told her that she can send me message via Facebook too. I even warned her jokingly that if she's planning to have a suicide, I am not the best person for it. She asked her if I could pray for her instead but I apologized since I am an atheist. I simply told her to imagine my own situation, much sadder and lonelier since I don't have a deity to give my up all my problems to.

As I finish this entry of mine, a passing fancy came into my mind. I was wondering now what like cold have been had I finished my college and actually became a psychiatrist/psychologist...

Anyways, back to reality. I suppose my part to play the patient is long overdue. I contacted a friend from college (who is currently taking her master's degree in some behavior studies) to meet with me sometime within this week or two. 

I too need an understanding heart.

beach

Two days ago I caught on TV this local travel show featuring one of these islands north of Palawan. I know we are still somewhat enjoying this cold weather in our evenings but it made me excited for the summer.

I am not fond of the sun mind you. I am more of a rain loving kind of a person. I suppose what had me perked up was the idea of me by the sea shore. How I missed the waves crashing behind my back. My favorite position on the beach is to lay flat on my big belly, my lower half submerged on the waters as I am mindlessly eyeing the passersby.

I wish I could really learn how to swim this year. That mean that I would have to have a week off at least. I am looking forward to go on snorkeling also.

I wouldn't be that afraid anymore once I hit the sea. I wouldn't mind going far beyond where the toes could no longer reach the bottom. I would just let go.

bad blogger

Not because I am a bad writer though. Mediocre I would say. I couldn't be that bad.

So the last time I posted an entry was way back in June last year. Just too darn lazy.

Now that I would be shelling out a thousand bucks a month for my internet connection on this rat hole that I am living, would there be any difference?

My net connection for years was this prepaid broadband stick that only works during the wee hours of the morning. I could have spend those offline time of mine writing my hours away but I didn't. Too lazy as I have said.. Too hesitant also. I don't have much going on with this mundane life of mine. I am a bit afraid also that somebody I knew would stumble on this rubbish I created. There is no denying that it would be me. I would cringe to death if confronted.

Sure I could have written fiction. But that would take more effort I suppose. I don't want to be like those writers in Watt Pad. Their stories are nice I suppose but I simply can not stomach the way they were written. Well to be honest I just read a chapter or two of a couple of novels in there. My boyfriend is still fond of them (so fond he missed a flight) and I tried reading with him sometimes before going to bed.

I suppose I have to ask myself again why the hell I have this blog to begin with. Do I want to gain more friends? Do I intend to make money out of this? Do I want to gain popularity?

The answers for all that is of course no. I simply wanted to express myself. I just wanted to have an outlet where I can drain all these thoughts of mine. I think to much. Day dream too much.

If I manged to gain some friends that would be a tremendous bonus.

Now if only I can tame some of these wild thoughts of mine and capture them in words....

revelations

Last weekend we have broken a routine. By the time you got home you texted me and that was it. I haven't received any updates on any of your activities by Sunday evening. Usually it would be something about you sweating it out with your badminton buddies, then your drinking spree after.

I texted you Monday morning saying that it was raining cats and dogs and wishing you to have a great day nonetheless. No reply. By evening, I didn't wake up by your call, my beloved alarm clock- I just received a text from you asking if I was awake already. I answered yes and questioned if you were even trying to call me. You know how it is when my cellphone go bonkers and couldn't catch a signal. You just answered you couldn't because you were inside a jeepney home bound.

I sensed that there was something wrong. I tried calling you but you didn't pick it up. This was so not like you. I texted how you were making me sad. You just replied that you were just going on some tough situation, said sorry and begged for my patience. I asked why can't you tell me and you answered that you would tell it eventually.

I was in a bus on my way to work and I texted you again how you were making me worried sad and depressed. A lot of things were going on my mind and I couldn't pin point what was wrong. Was it because we didn't make love last weekend? Were you got darn bored too on our last date? You picked up this time but still didn't give me the real answer. You reiterated the fact that you would tell it soon and reminded me of how I was on several occasions were like this to you with my mood swings and all. I cried and I let you know it. I said I love you and you replied that you love me too-very much and say sorry again.

Tuesday night you called but I was already having dinner. We didn't say much. We didn't say our I love yous. I went to work again with a heavy heart.

By Wednesday you came in to our house. You wake me up even though it was only past six or so. And then without too much ado had told me what was bothering you.

You said you contracted STI. You said the word twice but I couldn't remember it. You too were not familiar with it. You said there was a little infected wound on the opening of your penis and you would get another shot by Friday. You confessed that you caught it couple of weeks ago when you were having your event in Bicol.

I was shocked and begged for you to say how long you have been fooling me. You said several times. Mostly when you were alone out of town: twice in CDO, in Butuan etc. You even say you managed to hook up with someone in Novaliches Bayan.

I asked you how. You said you were using the site Planet Romeo. I almost let a mad laugh. I said to you how funny. The very reason you have known me was because of the site Guys for Men (which eventually bought by PR).

You confessed too that most of the time those encounters were not safe. That you have been the top on most of it. And you all this time would only fuck me every few months or so.

Tomorrow we would have our self tested for HIV.

Almost seven years bhe and all this time I though I was damn lucky to have you. The saddest thing is up to this point I couldn't get myself be mad at you. I am blaming myself for my short comings. And I love you still. Very very much.

breaking the routine

Gaya ng nakagawian, lumibot lang tayo sa mall na parang mga tanga... Tamang ikot lang.

Tapos dinner. Usap onti.

At dahil ayaw nating mabato pareho sa bahay namin ay nanuod na lang tayo ng sine. Wala na akong gustong panuodin liban sa X-men na napanood mo naman na. Inulit mo na lang din dahil ang sabi mo gusto mo at tutal maganda. Ilang beses naman kitang ginising sa paghihilik sa sinehan. Ako nga 'tong dalawang oras pa lang an tulog.

Ganyan tayo more or less sa bawat Sabado na tayo ay nagkikita. Pero kahapon talaga nasa rurok na ako ng kabagutan. Alam ko ganun ka din. Kahit hindi mo sabihin I know I am boring you. Parehas naman kasi tayo hindi madaldal.

At least I managed to break the routine. In bed. It took a lot of effort on my part...

Hindi kita kinulit bago tayo matulog. Ni hindi kita hinipuan buong magdamag para magbigay motibo. Bumangon na lang din ako nung sinabi mo na uuwi ka na.

This time I didn't suck you and swallow your juice.  I didn't jack off while you caress my nipples and watch me cum.

At least somehow we had a break of what could pass as lovemaking.

no complaints

There was once an office mate of mine who I never heard utter a single complain on any of his calls. He never even rant about the additional tasks he was given nor whine about how some co-workers abused that good nature of his.

You know how we agents love the mute button on the avaya so we can just simply hit it whenever we feel like saying expletives to a difficult caller. On the months that I was seated beside him I tried to emulate him- out of admiration and embarrassment. That was every single shift but every night was a failure. The most I could do was to minimize the curses I mutter while on mute and just give the avaya the dirty finger.

By the time he was asked to take escalation calls he managed to retain that same cool composure. Sometimes I could tell how one irate caller was being unreasonable and just giving him a hard time. He had never banged his mouse though nor stand up to deal with frustrations. At the end of those type of calls he would just simply continue whatever he was doing prior. The most he would do (and this was only when he asked how it went) was that he would smile it off with a shake of his head. Yes just one shake and that was it.

It was more than a year now when he left for another job. From what I have heard, it was a good move for him because it is more related to whatever he took in college. I don't see him much in my news feed in Facebook except for those occasions his wife (a former office mate also) tagged him on their pictures. He has one peculiar habit though on that site and it happens every few months or so. On those rare days he would simply flood it with posts of movie posters, those presumably he have seen, matching it with most notable line from each and every flick. We are talking about thirty or so movie here. Those are the only type of shout outs he has.

I had never asked how he managed to retain that kind of coolness. That kind of attitude was surprising of course but not totally impossible. So what I did was I simply embraced the idea that perhaps with practice and conscious effort I could do the same. But as you may know I should have really asked him before he resigned.

All that is left for me to do now is to wonder. Maybe he's just one of a kind. A natural. Maybe he's just being true to his name. He's Angel.

on writing

Halos tapos na ang kalahati ng taon. And to borrow my office mate's litany, “wala pa din akong achievement sa buhay”. He used to say that a lot and we just laugh about it. Kasi naman madalas sasabihin nya ito out of the blue maisingit lang ba (“ Wala pa ding reply yung isang department sa e-mail ko. Two weeks ago na yun. Anong petsa na? Tapos wala pa din akong achievement sa buhay.) I haven't talked to him that much na nga since I stopped smoking. Sa yosi breaks lang naman kasi kami nakakapag-chikahan na walang ibang eepal. Lol.

So yun na nga ilang kembot na lang July na. And my gulay I just posted two entries for this blog-blogan of mine. Tamad ko noh. Even my journal na naka-save sa PC eh bungal-bungal din. May mga times na aaraw-arawin ko magsulat minsan naman mga ilang linggong hindi ko talaga ito bubuksan.

I haven't disclosed (yet) my identity on this site thinking that it would give me freedom to write whatever crazy thoughts I have. Hind rin eh. Wala naman kasi masyadong ganap sa buhay ko and I am afraid that if just narrate in details the mundane life I have, I might regret it badly in the future. Alam mo yun feeling na cringe galore ka kasi ang chaka na nga ng storlyine, mas chaka lalo how you wrote about it. May mga ilang posts kaya ako na dinelete ko lol. Sana wala pa talaga nakabasa kasi it so yuck talaga haha.

What about fictional achuchuchu ganyan? O sige maybe in the future. Mas mahirap 'ata yun ha kasi dapat my command ka talaga sa written language. Eh ako I would like to think of myself that I can tell the difference between what is literature and what is plain trash. Taray. Boplaks nga lang me magsulat.

Way back in high school, there was this workbook called Write to Express Not to Impress. Award! You know what they say about writing: you have to do it daily five hundred words a minimum so it would be part of your system. I did that for a couple of days you know just writing about anything without thinking much of the grammar and all. It is a good practice huh but the downside of it is that at times you would realize you've got to stop. That is because you start noticing that you sound like those annoying talkative people in your office. Or those friends you have in Facebook na wagas makapag-shoutout nang kung anik-anik. Hindi man lang ba pinag-isipan.

So ayan siguro naman simula ngayon sisipagin na akong magpost. Hindi ko naman kailangan ng madaming makakabasa ng kung ano mang kababawan, kabalbalan at kabaliwan mayroon ang blog na ito. Susme the thought of someone, even just someone, reading what I have written gives me the shivers. Charot.

tony

Wala akong date this weekend kasi out of town si bhe. Buti na lang ginising niya ako kaninang 9:00 PM kasi talagang pinlano kong panuorin ang Tony Awards. Wala naman akong gala sa labas. In fact hindi pa nga ako lumalabas ng bahay simula kahapon ng Biyernes na naka-leave ako.

Kakatapos lang ng progrma habang sinusulat ko 'to. Ang haba ah tatlong oras 'ata pero sulit naman kasi kahit na-enjoy ko ang mga performances. Hindi na 'ko nakapanood ng teatro simula nang magdrop-out ako sa college. Earlier at least I was able to catch a glimpse of what Broadway has to offer. Kelan kaya ako makakapunta ng New York?

Bakit nga ba hindi ako nakakapanood ng local theather productions? Ay maharlika ka nga kasi eh.

Anyways here are some of the notable things I have seen in watching the awards.

• Hugh Jackman hosted, he's great and I love him. If they created Rocky the musical (which is so gay lol), they should come up also with Wolverine the musical. For the win!
• Si Fran Drescher (The Nanny of course) ay may play. Award. She hasn't age I think and yes she still has that unmistakable one of a kind voice of hers. Co-presentor nya si Ethan Hawk (Dead Poet Society, Reality Bites) na tumanda ng three times! My gosh I used to have a little crush on him. I haven't seen Great Expectations (1998) yet pero dun ko siya bet na bet. Hay kabataan! Lol.
• Idina Menzel (If/Then) performed and oh my she was on her elements (as if naman napanood ko na siya ng live dava hihi). Tagal ko kasi makaget-over sa Oscar performance nya na sinumpa 'ata ni John Travolta.
• Kamukha din ni Idina yun kasalukyang Elphaba huh. I was enjoying her duet with Glinda but the signal was gone for about a few minutes. Anong problema nyo Sky Cable. Kaloka. I thought I wouldn't be able to finish the whole award show.
• Sting performed but I couldn't understand him. Sorry.
• I enjoyed the snippet of A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder. It won the Best Musical. I would love to see it. Yun ata yun play the may Pinoy producer. Taray. Sigh.
• Walter White won! I mean Bryan Cranston (All the Way). They have shown few seconds of him playing the part of President Johnson. Parang si Walter lang din naman 'ata with Texan accent lol. Impression ko lang naman yun from those few seconds.
• There's this musical about Carol King and the lead actress, Jesse Mueller, won. Ganda ng boses nya ah. In fairness nagandahan din ako sa boses  sa nominated na si Sutton Foster (Violet). Kala ko nga si Sutton mananalo. Taena. Kung makapanghula ako eh no kala mo napanood ko yung mga plays. Lol
• Dr. Doogie Howser won! Of course I mean Neil Patrick Harris for Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I haven't seen much of How I Met Your Mother so he would be always Dr. Doogie for me. Hay ano ba kabataan moment na naman ba lol. His perfomance must be so taxing seeing him perform one of the songs from that musical. Mum was watching with me and I was about to explain to her what musicals and theater is all about (since I had joined the university's repertory-for two weeks only lol) but Neil kissed some random guy from the audience! In the mouth! Mum got bored and went to sleep hahaha.

So there. You know why I love watching awards shows like this? It gives me inspiration. Old and jaded as I am, somehow it gives me a little push- who knows someday I would be getting my dreams as well.

Winners say dreams do come true. I would love to believe it too.

teki-teki kunwari

Sa madaling araw lang kaya ako nakakapag- Youtube. 'Eto naman kasing Sun Broadband sa mga ganong oras lang mabilis at halos hindi mo na magamit sa araw. Ironic. Buti na nga lang yung promo nilang unlimited for three days eh unlimited talaga. Hindi katulad sa Globe, yung una kong stick na nabilli, pagnaka- 800MB ay sorry stop ka muna. Isang taon ko kayang pinagtyigaan yun at hindi ko man lang nakuha yung Globe Points ko dun. Tanga lang.

Last week nanuod na naman ako ng mga videos tungkol sa Mac OS. Siyempre pangarap kong magkaroon ng Mac. Ewan. Feel ko lang. Feeling mayaman that is ha ha. Pero wala akong balak pag-ipunan ang isang MacBook Air kasi overpriced kaya siya sa isang dukhang katulad ko na gumagamit lang ng laptop para magsurf sa net at maglaro ng mga apps na pambata (I'm not a gamer.) 'Pag can afford na ako bumili nun ibig sabihin milyonaryo na ko. Sa kasalukuyan masaya na ako sa sa Acer ko na 'to kasi touch-screen na at may dvd writer pa (old school, para sa mga nahihiram kong dvds ha ha). At hindi tulad ng iba, I am loving Windows 8.1. From Windows XP ba naman sino hindi matutuwa 'di ba. Ang bilis! Effort nga lang sa umpisa na pag-aralan lalo na yung unang labas na version. Kalerkey. Buti na lang touch-screen nga ito dahil mawiwindang din ako pag-track pad lang ang gamit.

So ayun nga I had this laptop mag-iisang taon na. Ang lagi kong ginagawa kung magra-right click eh pindutin/diinan 'tong kanang babang bahagi ng touchpad. Eh para dun naman talaga yun 'di ba. Sa instructional youtube vid na napanood ko, sa mga Macs daw ang right click ay pwedeng gawin sa pagtap sa trackpad ng dalawang daliri sabay. Sinubukan kong gawin sa akin aba ay gumana. Biruin mo all this time ay hindi ko alam gamitin ng maayos itong laptop ko. Kamote. Well, sinilip ko ang users manual habang sinusulat ito at wala naman pala talagang nabanggit ukol dito. Not entirely my fault. So ayan tap galore with two fingers ako since then.

Wala akong anti-virus program hanggang ngayon. Pinagpaubaya ko na lang sa Windows Defender. Sa luma kong laptop, na-try ko pareho ang Avast and Avira. Parehas lang naman. Parehas lang may nakakalusot na malware. Mahusay din ang Malwarebytes. Hindi na nga lang talaga ako nag-install ng kung anu-ano baka kasi magcrash lang. Nagpapabagal pa. Siguro infected na 'tong laptop. I wouldn't know. Sana hindi. Bukod sa mga apps sa Windows Store eh wala na naman akong dinadownload na programs. Ewan ko na lang sa mga hihiram kong usbs.

Sa youtube video na nabanggit ko, natutunan ko din ang isang extension na mahusay: disconnet me. What it does is that it would disconnect those sites who are known to track users for whatever intensions, usually for ad purposes. Sana available din na yun sa Internet Explorer. Yes I use IE from time to time dahil well wala lang. Maiba lang ng interface. I use the modern version para full screen siya. And good this there's this app called Read it Better para i-save yung mga articles for later reading.. Yung Microsoft own's Reading List kasi hindi mo mababasa ang mga saved pages offline.

Ang next phone ko sana isa sa mga Lumia models. 'La lang love ko na ang Windows eh. Sana i-manage lang nila ng todo an kanilang app store hindi katulad sa Google Play na ang dami-dami ngang apps karamihan wala namang kwenta. Iba't ibang versions lang ng same shit. Buhay pa naman 'tong Galaxy Y ko at matatapos na contract ko sa Globe. Nauna na pala si jowa magrenew, Galaxy S5 ang kinuha. Sosyal kasi yun eh. Sana gumana pa yung ipapamana nyang S3 sa mama nya. Nalubog kasi nung nagseselfie sa jacuzzi. As for me ipapamana ko din itong Galaxy Y ko kay mudra. Nakuha ko itong i-root so baka hindi ko na ibalik sa dati ma-brick ko pa.

just another shift

So, a few hours from now it would be 2014. I just feel too old, too jaded to welcome another new year. But conformity dictates that everyone must be happy and hopeful later when the clock strikes midnight. My shift is exactly by twelve am however. It would be queuing I imagine. I assume I would simply return my office mates greetings as courtesy.

I am so used spending the holidays on the operations floor. Tonight would be a little different though because I can't go out to watch the fireworks at least.

I have made one public new year's resolution though. I would attempt to quit smoking yet again. I made that sacred pinky promise to one of the very few friends I have at work. This year I only managed to stop for four months. Depression took over so I didn't overcome my addiction.

I made other promises to myself too. Things that I should have been doing a long time ago but couldn't bring myself to do. I should have the words discipline and commitment tattooed on my arms.

I don't see myself as a pessimist. Realist perhaps. The great paradox is I never get tired of dreaming. Even all of them remain just that- dreams.

kuya mario, part 2

Siguradong alam ko magmula nuon ay alam mo na ang aking pagkatao. Patay malisya ka lamang at muling naidlip. Hindi ko na matandaan ang mga sumunod na pangyayari. Siguro umalis ako at lumabas ng bahay na kabado. Ang laki ng takot ko nuon na baka isumbong mo ko kay Mama.

Pero parang wala lang nangyari. Dumating ang araw na tapos na bakasyon mo dito sa Maynila ngunit nag-iwan ka ng ilang damit ewan ko kung bakit. Ako naman ay paulit-ulit na inaalala ang mga sandaling nadama kita. Tandang-tanda ko kung gaano kalaki at kalambot sa pandama kung ano ang mayrooon ka. Aaminin ko sa ngayon na ilang beses ako nagparaos habang inaamoy ang naiwang mong puting brief sa 'yong bag. Hindi ito ang tunay mong amoy- ilang taon ko pa bago madiskubre ang amoy ng kapwa lalaki. Ngunit sa malikot kong pag-iisip nakuntento akong simsimin ang amoy ng panloob mo habang pinapaligaya ko ang aking sarili.

Dalawang taon siguro ang lumipas nang muli kang magbakasyon. Dumating ang pagkakataon na tayo lang dalawa ang naiwan sa bahay. Nagpasya ka muling maidlip sa aming sofa ngunit hindi ka nagpalit ng damit. Sa isip ko nuon, ito na ang tamang pagkakataon.

Hinupan muli kita pero hindi ka nagising. Hinahanap hanap ko ang lambot na nadama ko nuong una ngunit makapal ang maong mong suot. Maingat kong dinadama ang nagmamalaki mong umbok hanggat sa hindi ako nakatiits at unti-unting binaba ang zipper mo.

Hindi ako nangahas na damhin ka sa ganoong paraan lang. Ang pakay ko'y buksan ng lubusan ang pantalon mo subalit hindi kita makalagan mula sa 'yong sinturon. Takot akong magising ka.

Hindi ko na matandaan ngayon kung nilapit ko na lamang ang mukha ko at hinalikang bagya ang bahagi mong gusto kong isubo. Siguro hindi. Siguro yun lamang ang paulit ulit na pagpapantasya ko habang inaalala ang sayang na pagkakataon na 'yon.

Sumuko ako agad at pinagmasdan ka lamang habang natutulog. Nang magising ka at dumiretso sa banyo, naisip kong bigla na hindi ko naibalik ang zipper mo sa pagkakasara. Abot-abot ang nerbiyos ko sa 'yong pagbalik sa sala, sa gagawin mong pag-uusisa, sa komprontasyon. Takot akong mapahiya pero takot din ako kung kaya kong gawin ng tama ang paligayahin ka.......

trending

I use twitter sparingly. It means I am pretty much bored already whenever I open the app. I myself only tweet perhaps four times a month at the very most. Whatever mundane thoughts I have, twitter saves me the trouble of shouting it out directly on Facebook since I have them linked together.

I wouldn't contest the fact of its usefulness. When our tv was busted, I rely on its feed to be updated on the flight of Jessica Sanchez. Just recently it also let me knew that Manny Pacquiao had won while we were waiting for the freaking delayed telecast on national tv. Thank you twitter addicts.

What irks me is how local news program (or perhaps even abroad) would shove down to our throats what has been trending topic on the site. Here's a piece of news to you viewing public and wait yeah it was even a trending topic. And I was like seriously?

I suppose I am an old timer who wants plain good old news program. I couldn't even care less of those opinion of some random person sometimes they air on their segments. You know how it works. They would post a question and everyone could reply-just with their imposed hashtag of course.

I guess all I want is for them to draw the line. They have to remember that what is reflected on the social media doesn't automatically represents the opinion of entire populace. It is a good sample of it sure but I still don't give a damn what is trending or not. There are tons of fame whores out there and putting them into news entice more mindless people  to be fame whores.

kuya mario

Hindi ko alam ang eksaktong agwat ng edad natin pero ang natatandaan ko, teenager pa lang ako ay mamang mama ka na. Matatanda na tayo pareho ngayon pero siguro naman hindi ka tumanda nang husto dahil alam kong may pagkabanidoso ka. Kahit na ba sa bundok ka nakatira at ang ikinabubuhay ay pagsasaka, sa malamang hindi mawawala sa araw-araw mong gawain ang pagtitig sa salamin.

Ganun kita nakilala pinsan. Hindi ko mawari kung bakit mas nanaisin mong gumamit ng tyani sa pagbubunot ng mga balbas at bigote mo. Basta sa twing hapon na lang ay nasa tapat ka ng bintana , may hawak na salamin na maliit sa kaliwa at ang kabila naman ay abala sa pagkuktkot ng buhok sa mukha. Hindi naman kita nahuling nagbunot ng kilay.

Siguro nga maingat at maalaga ka lang sa mukha mo dahil ikaw lang naman ay may hitsura sa inyong magkakapatid. Matipuno pa ang pangangatawan mo dahil sanay sa pagtratrabaho. Lahat ng kalamnan mo ata ay banat sa pagkakatanda ko.

At hindi ko din malilimutan nang minsan hipuan kita. First year high school na siguro ako nuon. Nakahiga ka sa sofa namin at umupo ako sa sahig malapit sa 'yo at kunwari'y nagbabasa ng magasin. Noon ko lamang napansin ang mahahaba mong pili-mata habang ikaw ay naiidlip. Naka-sando ka lamang nuon at ninais kong hagurin ng aking hintuturo ang mga hitik mong bisig.

Sa suot mong shorts na maigsi hindi ko na pinansin pa ang mga makikisig mong binti kundli napokus ang attensyon ko sa bukol na bakat sa pagitan ng mga ito. Malaki siya. Gusto ko siyang hawakan.

Pinilit kong basahin ang hawak ko ngunit sasabog ang dibdib ko sa kaba. Sinusulyapan kita kung nakapikit ka pa din pero napapatitig ako sa iyong pagkalalake. Hindi hamak na mas malaki ito sa imahinasyon ko. Mas malaki sa isa mong nakababatang kapatid na pinakita ang matigas niyang titing tuli (dahil supot pa akong nuong nasa elementarya at pinagmalaki niya lang ang hitsura ng natuli na).

Hindi ko na nagawang pigilin ang sarili ko. Mas nanaig ang pagnanasa kaysa sa takot. Marahan kong pinatong ang kaliwa kong kamay sa shorts mo. Mga dalawang segundo lang yun pero binabalikbalikan ko ang alaalang nasapo kita hanggang ngayon. Hindi ko na nagawa ang ano pa man dahil bigla kang dumilat.

Kagyat ko binawi ang aking kamay at tinungo ang ulo sa babasahin. Subalit nanlabo ang mga mata ko at tila ang mga letra sa pahina na ay umikot-ikot at naghaharutan. Ni hindi na kita makuhang tingnan pa dahil umakyat na ang dugo ko sa ulo at damang-daman ko ang aking lakas ng pintig sa aking mga tenga.......

birthday wishes

I was planning to wake hours before my usual schedule so we can have a dinner at least. No I didn't buy you a gift. I didn't buy you another bouquet of roses also because that was what I have been doing for years. I just wanted to be with you I suppose.

Instead I happily sent those little cute emoticons on our Facebook chat. It was you who suggested we can just have breakfast today because you understand how much I value my sleep because of my work.

You woke up late and we didn't meet. I am happy though. I would love to think you had a blast because you were able to have a celebration with your friends last night. I wonder what could have been different though since it has been your weekly habit anyways, drinking with them. I suppose you foot the bill.

You know I stopped celebrating my own birthdays years ago. I have my reasons. It doesn't mean however that I stopped understanding people who value their special day. I should have never agreed to your suggestion. We could have had a nice dinner to some fancy food place we don't normally go to. I would be delighted to pull the tab.

Anyways, it was over, so cheers to you my love. I wish you all the best life can offer and remember you don't have to share your blessings with me. I would always be okay knowing that you are happy.

I would be sleeping now.