beach

Two days ago I caught on TV this local travel show featuring one of these islands north of Palawan. I know we are still somewhat enjoying this cold weather in our evenings but it made me excited for the summer.

I am not fond of the sun mind you. I am more of a rain loving kind of a person. I suppose what had me perked up was the idea of me by the sea shore. How I missed the waves crashing behind my back. My favorite position on the beach is to lay flat on my big belly, my lower half submerged on the waters as I am mindlessly eyeing the passersby.

I wish I could really learn how to swim this year. That mean that I would have to have a week off at least. I am looking forward to go on snorkeling also.

I wouldn't be that afraid anymore once I hit the sea. I wouldn't mind going far beyond where the toes could no longer reach the bottom. I would just let go.

bad blogger

Not because I am a bad writer though. Mediocre I would say. I couldn't be that bad.

So the last time I posted an entry was way back in June last year. Just too darn lazy.

Now that I would be shelling out a thousand bucks a month for my internet connection on this rat hole that I am living, would there be any difference?

My net connection for years was this prepaid broadband stick that only works during the wee hours of the morning. I could have spend those offline time of mine writing my hours away but I didn't. Too lazy as I have said.. Too hesitant also. I don't have much going on with this mundane life of mine. I am a bit afraid also that somebody I knew would stumble on this rubbish I created. There is no denying that it would be me. I would cringe to death if confronted.

Sure I could have written fiction. But that would take more effort I suppose. I don't want to be like those writers in Watt Pad. Their stories are nice I suppose but I simply can not stomach the way they were written. Well to be honest I just read a chapter or two of a couple of novels in there. My boyfriend is still fond of them (so fond he missed a flight) and I tried reading with him sometimes before going to bed.

I suppose I have to ask myself again why the hell I have this blog to begin with. Do I want to gain more friends? Do I intend to make money out of this? Do I want to gain popularity?

The answers for all that is of course no. I simply wanted to express myself. I just wanted to have an outlet where I can drain all these thoughts of mine. I think to much. Day dream too much.

If I manged to gain some friends that would be a tremendous bonus.

Now if only I can tame some of these wild thoughts of mine and capture them in words....

revelations

Last weekend we have broken a routine. By the time you got home you texted me and that was it. I haven't received any updates on any of your activities by Sunday evening. Usually it would be something about you sweating it out with your badminton buddies, then your drinking spree after.

I texted you Monday morning saying that it was raining cats and dogs and wishing you to have a great day nonetheless. No reply. By evening, I didn't wake up by your call, my beloved alarm clock- I just received a text from you asking if I was awake already. I answered yes and questioned if you were even trying to call me. You know how it is when my cellphone go bonkers and couldn't catch a signal. You just answered you couldn't because you were inside a jeepney home bound.

I sensed that there was something wrong. I tried calling you but you didn't pick it up. This was so not like you. I texted how you were making me sad. You just replied that you were just going on some tough situation, said sorry and begged for my patience. I asked why can't you tell me and you answered that you would tell it eventually.

I was in a bus on my way to work and I texted you again how you were making me worried sad and depressed. A lot of things were going on my mind and I couldn't pin point what was wrong. Was it because we didn't make love last weekend? Were you got darn bored too on our last date? You picked up this time but still didn't give me the real answer. You reiterated the fact that you would tell it soon and reminded me of how I was on several occasions were like this to you with my mood swings and all. I cried and I let you know it. I said I love you and you replied that you love me too-very much and say sorry again.

Tuesday night you called but I was already having dinner. We didn't say much. We didn't say our I love yous. I went to work again with a heavy heart.

By Wednesday you came in to our house. You wake me up even though it was only past six or so. And then without too much ado had told me what was bothering you.

You said you contracted STI. You said the word twice but I couldn't remember it. You too were not familiar with it. You said there was a little infected wound on the opening of your penis and you would get another shot by Friday. You confessed that you caught it couple of weeks ago when you were having your event in Bicol.

I was shocked and begged for you to say how long you have been fooling me. You said several times. Mostly when you were alone out of town: twice in CDO, in Butuan etc. You even say you managed to hook up with someone in Novaliches Bayan.

I asked you how. You said you were using the site Planet Romeo. I almost let a mad laugh. I said to you how funny. The very reason you have known me was because of the site Guys for Men (which eventually bought by PR).

You confessed too that most of the time those encounters were not safe. That you have been the top on most of it. And you all this time would only fuck me every few months or so.

Tomorrow we would have our self tested for HIV.

Almost seven years bhe and all this time I though I was damn lucky to have you. The saddest thing is up to this point I couldn't get myself be mad at you. I am blaming myself for my short comings. And I love you still. Very very much.