revelations

Last weekend we have broken a routine. By the time you got home you texted me and that was it. I haven't received any updates on any of your activities by Sunday evening. Usually it would be something about you sweating it out with your badminton buddies, then your drinking spree after.

I texted you Monday morning saying that it was raining cats and dogs and wishing you to have a great day nonetheless. No reply. By evening, I didn't wake up by your call, my beloved alarm clock- I just received a text from you asking if I was awake already. I answered yes and questioned if you were even trying to call me. You know how it is when my cellphone go bonkers and couldn't catch a signal. You just answered you couldn't because you were inside a jeepney home bound.

I sensed that there was something wrong. I tried calling you but you didn't pick it up. This was so not like you. I texted how you were making me sad. You just replied that you were just going on some tough situation, said sorry and begged for my patience. I asked why can't you tell me and you answered that you would tell it eventually.

I was in a bus on my way to work and I texted you again how you were making me worried sad and depressed. A lot of things were going on my mind and I couldn't pin point what was wrong. Was it because we didn't make love last weekend? Were you got darn bored too on our last date? You picked up this time but still didn't give me the real answer. You reiterated the fact that you would tell it soon and reminded me of how I was on several occasions were like this to you with my mood swings and all. I cried and I let you know it. I said I love you and you replied that you love me too-very much and say sorry again.

Tuesday night you called but I was already having dinner. We didn't say much. We didn't say our I love yous. I went to work again with a heavy heart.

By Wednesday you came in to our house. You wake me up even though it was only past six or so. And then without too much ado had told me what was bothering you.

You said you contracted STI. You said the word twice but I couldn't remember it. You too were not familiar with it. You said there was a little infected wound on the opening of your penis and you would get another shot by Friday. You confessed that you caught it couple of weeks ago when you were having your event in Bicol.

I was shocked and begged for you to say how long you have been fooling me. You said several times. Mostly when you were alone out of town: twice in CDO, in Butuan etc. You even say you managed to hook up with someone in Novaliches Bayan.

I asked you how. You said you were using the site Planet Romeo. I almost let a mad laugh. I said to you how funny. The very reason you have known me was because of the site Guys for Men (which eventually bought by PR).

You confessed too that most of the time those encounters were not safe. That you have been the top on most of it. And you all this time would only fuck me every few months or so.

Tomorrow we would have our self tested for HIV.

Almost seven years bhe and all this time I though I was damn lucky to have you. The saddest thing is up to this point I couldn't get myself be mad at you. I am blaming myself for my short comings. And I love you still. Very very much.

breaking the routine

Gaya ng nakagawian, lumibot lang tayo sa mall na parang mga tanga... Tamang ikot lang.

Tapos dinner. Usap onti.

At dahil ayaw nating mabato pareho sa bahay namin ay nanuod na lang tayo ng sine. Wala na akong gustong panuodin liban sa X-men na napanood mo naman na. Inulit mo na lang din dahil ang sabi mo gusto mo at tutal maganda. Ilang beses naman kitang ginising sa paghihilik sa sinehan. Ako nga 'tong dalawang oras pa lang an tulog.

Ganyan tayo more or less sa bawat Sabado na tayo ay nagkikita. Pero kahapon talaga nasa rurok na ako ng kabagutan. Alam ko ganun ka din. Kahit hindi mo sabihin I know I am boring you. Parehas naman kasi tayo hindi madaldal.

At least I managed to break the routine. In bed. It took a lot of effort on my part...

Hindi kita kinulit bago tayo matulog. Ni hindi kita hinipuan buong magdamag para magbigay motibo. Bumangon na lang din ako nung sinabi mo na uuwi ka na.

This time I didn't suck you and swallow your juice.  I didn't jack off while you caress my nipples and watch me cum.

At least somehow we had a break of what could pass as lovemaking.

no complaints

There was once an office mate of mine who I never heard utter a single complain on any of his calls. He never even rant about the additional tasks he was given nor whine about how some co-workers abused that good nature of his.

You know how we agents love the mute button on the avaya so we can just simply hit it whenever we feel like saying expletives to a difficult caller. On the months that I was seated beside him I tried to emulate him- out of admiration and embarrassment. That was every single shift but every night was a failure. The most I could do was to minimize the curses I mutter while on mute and just give the avaya the dirty finger.

By the time he was asked to take escalation calls he managed to retain that same cool composure. Sometimes I could tell how one irate caller was being unreasonable and just giving him a hard time. He had never banged his mouse though nor stand up to deal with frustrations. At the end of those type of calls he would just simply continue whatever he was doing prior. The most he would do (and this was only when he asked how it went) was that he would smile it off with a shake of his head. Yes just one shake and that was it.

It was more than a year now when he left for another job. From what I have heard, it was a good move for him because it is more related to whatever he took in college. I don't see him much in my news feed in Facebook except for those occasions his wife (a former office mate also) tagged him on their pictures. He has one peculiar habit though on that site and it happens every few months or so. On those rare days he would simply flood it with posts of movie posters, those presumably he have seen, matching it with most notable line from each and every flick. We are talking about thirty or so movie here. Those are the only type of shout outs he has.

I had never asked how he managed to retain that kind of coolness. That kind of attitude was surprising of course but not totally impossible. So what I did was I simply embraced the idea that perhaps with practice and conscious effort I could do the same. But as you may know I should have really asked him before he resigned.

All that is left for me to do now is to wonder. Maybe he's just one of a kind. A natural. Maybe he's just being true to his name. He's Angel.

on writing

Halos tapos na ang kalahati ng taon. And to borrow my office mate's litany, “wala pa din akong achievement sa buhay”. He used to say that a lot and we just laugh about it. Kasi naman madalas sasabihin nya ito out of the blue maisingit lang ba (“ Wala pa ding reply yung isang department sa e-mail ko. Two weeks ago na yun. Anong petsa na? Tapos wala pa din akong achievement sa buhay.) I haven't talked to him that much na nga since I stopped smoking. Sa yosi breaks lang naman kasi kami nakakapag-chikahan na walang ibang eepal. Lol.

So yun na nga ilang kembot na lang July na. And my gulay I just posted two entries for this blog-blogan of mine. Tamad ko noh. Even my journal na naka-save sa PC eh bungal-bungal din. May mga times na aaraw-arawin ko magsulat minsan naman mga ilang linggong hindi ko talaga ito bubuksan.

I haven't disclosed (yet) my identity on this site thinking that it would give me freedom to write whatever crazy thoughts I have. Hind rin eh. Wala naman kasi masyadong ganap sa buhay ko and I am afraid that if just narrate in details the mundane life I have, I might regret it badly in the future. Alam mo yun feeling na cringe galore ka kasi ang chaka na nga ng storlyine, mas chaka lalo how you wrote about it. May mga ilang posts kaya ako na dinelete ko lol. Sana wala pa talaga nakabasa kasi it so yuck talaga haha.

What about fictional achuchuchu ganyan? O sige maybe in the future. Mas mahirap 'ata yun ha kasi dapat my command ka talaga sa written language. Eh ako I would like to think of myself that I can tell the difference between what is literature and what is plain trash. Taray. Boplaks nga lang me magsulat.

Way back in high school, there was this workbook called Write to Express Not to Impress. Award! You know what they say about writing: you have to do it daily five hundred words a minimum so it would be part of your system. I did that for a couple of days you know just writing about anything without thinking much of the grammar and all. It is a good practice huh but the downside of it is that at times you would realize you've got to stop. That is because you start noticing that you sound like those annoying talkative people in your office. Or those friends you have in Facebook na wagas makapag-shoutout nang kung anik-anik. Hindi man lang ba pinag-isipan.

So ayan siguro naman simula ngayon sisipagin na akong magpost. Hindi ko naman kailangan ng madaming makakabasa ng kung ano mang kababawan, kabalbalan at kabaliwan mayroon ang blog na ito. Susme the thought of someone, even just someone, reading what I have written gives me the shivers. Charot.

tony

Wala akong date this weekend kasi out of town si bhe. Buti na lang ginising niya ako kaninang 9:00 PM kasi talagang pinlano kong panuorin ang Tony Awards. Wala naman akong gala sa labas. In fact hindi pa nga ako lumalabas ng bahay simula kahapon ng Biyernes na naka-leave ako.

Kakatapos lang ng progrma habang sinusulat ko 'to. Ang haba ah tatlong oras 'ata pero sulit naman kasi kahit na-enjoy ko ang mga performances. Hindi na 'ko nakapanood ng teatro simula nang magdrop-out ako sa college. Earlier at least I was able to catch a glimpse of what Broadway has to offer. Kelan kaya ako makakapunta ng New York?

Bakit nga ba hindi ako nakakapanood ng local theather productions? Ay maharlika ka nga kasi eh.

Anyways here are some of the notable things I have seen in watching the awards.

• Hugh Jackman hosted, he's great and I love him. If they created Rocky the musical (which is so gay lol), they should come up also with Wolverine the musical. For the win!
• Si Fran Drescher (The Nanny of course) ay may play. Award. She hasn't age I think and yes she still has that unmistakable one of a kind voice of hers. Co-presentor nya si Ethan Hawk (Dead Poet Society, Reality Bites) na tumanda ng three times! My gosh I used to have a little crush on him. I haven't seen Great Expectations (1998) yet pero dun ko siya bet na bet. Hay kabataan! Lol.
• Idina Menzel (If/Then) performed and oh my she was on her elements (as if naman napanood ko na siya ng live dava hihi). Tagal ko kasi makaget-over sa Oscar performance nya na sinumpa 'ata ni John Travolta.
• Kamukha din ni Idina yun kasalukyang Elphaba huh. I was enjoying her duet with Glinda but the signal was gone for about a few minutes. Anong problema nyo Sky Cable. Kaloka. I thought I wouldn't be able to finish the whole award show.
• Sting performed but I couldn't understand him. Sorry.
• I enjoyed the snippet of A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder. It won the Best Musical. I would love to see it. Yun ata yun play the may Pinoy producer. Taray. Sigh.
• Walter White won! I mean Bryan Cranston (All the Way). They have shown few seconds of him playing the part of President Johnson. Parang si Walter lang din naman 'ata with Texan accent lol. Impression ko lang naman yun from those few seconds.
• There's this musical about Carol King and the lead actress, Jesse Mueller, won. Ganda ng boses nya ah. In fairness nagandahan din ako sa boses  sa nominated na si Sutton Foster (Violet). Kala ko nga si Sutton mananalo. Taena. Kung makapanghula ako eh no kala mo napanood ko yung mga plays. Lol
• Dr. Doogie Howser won! Of course I mean Neil Patrick Harris for Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I haven't seen much of How I Met Your Mother so he would be always Dr. Doogie for me. Hay ano ba kabataan moment na naman ba lol. His perfomance must be so taxing seeing him perform one of the songs from that musical. Mum was watching with me and I was about to explain to her what musicals and theater is all about (since I had joined the university's repertory-for two weeks only lol) but Neil kissed some random guy from the audience! In the mouth! Mum got bored and went to sleep hahaha.

So there. You know why I love watching awards shows like this? It gives me inspiration. Old and jaded as I am, somehow it gives me a little push- who knows someday I would be getting my dreams as well.

Winners say dreams do come true. I would love to believe it too.

teki-teki kunwari

Sa madaling araw lang kaya ako nakakapag- Youtube. 'Eto naman kasing Sun Broadband sa mga ganong oras lang mabilis at halos hindi mo na magamit sa araw. Ironic. Buti na nga lang yung promo nilang unlimited for three days eh unlimited talaga. Hindi katulad sa Globe, yung una kong stick na nabilli, pagnaka- 800MB ay sorry stop ka muna. Isang taon ko kayang pinagtyigaan yun at hindi ko man lang nakuha yung Globe Points ko dun. Tanga lang.

Last week nanuod na naman ako ng mga videos tungkol sa Mac OS. Siyempre pangarap kong magkaroon ng Mac. Ewan. Feel ko lang. Feeling mayaman that is ha ha. Pero wala akong balak pag-ipunan ang isang MacBook Air kasi overpriced kaya siya sa isang dukhang katulad ko na gumagamit lang ng laptop para magsurf sa net at maglaro ng mga apps na pambata (I'm not a gamer.) 'Pag can afford na ako bumili nun ibig sabihin milyonaryo na ko. Sa kasalukuyan masaya na ako sa sa Acer ko na 'to kasi touch-screen na at may dvd writer pa (old school, para sa mga nahihiram kong dvds ha ha). At hindi tulad ng iba, I am loving Windows 8.1. From Windows XP ba naman sino hindi matutuwa 'di ba. Ang bilis! Effort nga lang sa umpisa na pag-aralan lalo na yung unang labas na version. Kalerkey. Buti na lang touch-screen nga ito dahil mawiwindang din ako pag-track pad lang ang gamit.

So ayun nga I had this laptop mag-iisang taon na. Ang lagi kong ginagawa kung magra-right click eh pindutin/diinan 'tong kanang babang bahagi ng touchpad. Eh para dun naman talaga yun 'di ba. Sa instructional youtube vid na napanood ko, sa mga Macs daw ang right click ay pwedeng gawin sa pagtap sa trackpad ng dalawang daliri sabay. Sinubukan kong gawin sa akin aba ay gumana. Biruin mo all this time ay hindi ko alam gamitin ng maayos itong laptop ko. Kamote. Well, sinilip ko ang users manual habang sinusulat ito at wala naman pala talagang nabanggit ukol dito. Not entirely my fault. So ayan tap galore with two fingers ako since then.

Wala akong anti-virus program hanggang ngayon. Pinagpaubaya ko na lang sa Windows Defender. Sa luma kong laptop, na-try ko pareho ang Avast and Avira. Parehas lang naman. Parehas lang may nakakalusot na malware. Mahusay din ang Malwarebytes. Hindi na nga lang talaga ako nag-install ng kung anu-ano baka kasi magcrash lang. Nagpapabagal pa. Siguro infected na 'tong laptop. I wouldn't know. Sana hindi. Bukod sa mga apps sa Windows Store eh wala na naman akong dinadownload na programs. Ewan ko na lang sa mga hihiram kong usbs.

Sa youtube video na nabanggit ko, natutunan ko din ang isang extension na mahusay: disconnet me. What it does is that it would disconnect those sites who are known to track users for whatever intensions, usually for ad purposes. Sana available din na yun sa Internet Explorer. Yes I use IE from time to time dahil well wala lang. Maiba lang ng interface. I use the modern version para full screen siya. And good this there's this app called Read it Better para i-save yung mga articles for later reading.. Yung Microsoft own's Reading List kasi hindi mo mababasa ang mga saved pages offline.

Ang next phone ko sana isa sa mga Lumia models. 'La lang love ko na ang Windows eh. Sana i-manage lang nila ng todo an kanilang app store hindi katulad sa Google Play na ang dami-dami ngang apps karamihan wala namang kwenta. Iba't ibang versions lang ng same shit. Buhay pa naman 'tong Galaxy Y ko at matatapos na contract ko sa Globe. Nauna na pala si jowa magrenew, Galaxy S5 ang kinuha. Sosyal kasi yun eh. Sana gumana pa yung ipapamana nyang S3 sa mama nya. Nalubog kasi nung nagseselfie sa jacuzzi. As for me ipapamana ko din itong Galaxy Y ko kay mudra. Nakuha ko itong i-root so baka hindi ko na ibalik sa dati ma-brick ko pa.