2015

Two weeks more and another year will end. I don't exactly know how to describe the year that was. Had I been happy? Well, my share of anxiety and insecurities are greater it seems. The only consolation is I survived it all.

I made no accomplishment whatsoever. It still was and is the same old me. I have been either too afraid or complacent to get out of my comfort zone. I am as always stuck on this mud that I so much hate.

On the other hand, I guess I am still one hell of a lucky son of a bitch. I am still non-reactive. I am glad that two of my friends in college are also negative. We are due to have another test by February next year. But I fucked him unsafe this morning. I know. Such stupidity.

That is exactly what is wrong with. I have no self-control at times. No discipline. This year alone I think I attempted to quit smoking three or four times. I am still the same nicotine addict that I am. The thing is, and this had been my excuse for the longest time, this is the only vice I have. This is the only way I can "bond" with my other office mates. When we go down to smoke, that is the only time we can talk some other stuff other than work. And some other stuff that is not supposed to be shared with other peeps.

I am 35 years old and I feel so old. Never felt this when I was 34. For crying out loud I will be 36 by next May of next year. This worries me a lot. And so does my big belly. The latest pair of jeans I bought is already size 36! No I am not that fat-looking. All these unwanted fats are concentrated on my midsection that I almost look like pregnant. Heck I bet if is still have long flowing locks, people will think I am with a child and that I have a womb.

So there. That basically sums up my 2015. A year that I was depressed most of the times.

national heroes day

ang alam ko, tanga lungs ako. the things you do for love...

sabi ng kabarkada ko nun college, martir ako. bayani. kaya daw siguro ngayon ang movie date namin eh kasi national heroes day. pak. sakto para sa 'kin. appreciation day ba ganyan.

natawa naman ako. ay bet ko i-shout out yan. gow lang daw at ila-like nya. kaso how can i do it without being so obvious. wag na nga lang. okay naman kami eh. 

pero kahit siya na kaibigan ko na hindi alam ang buong storya knows it is superficial. panlabas lang ba. i said i can manage. i have been managing for more than a year now. so i told him one of this days i will tell him the whole story. 

so far, only four people knows about it. sa side ko that is.

he's family knows he have the disease na. the last time i went with his family was to have this father's day dinner sa UP Town Center. parang wala lang... 

so anong bago sa amin? wala. once a week pa din kami magkita. minsan twice 'pag nasa mood siya or pag may holiday just like today. pero sa mga kabadminton nya, mga twice or thrice a week....maybe i should give him a deadline too so that his so called buddies will know the whole deal? 

i  supposed to get my third test nun july pa. anong petsa na di ba. siguro by next week i will make it a point na talaga. i will bring my other college kabarkada. hopefully pareahas lang kami non-reactive still. got to have that test before we celebrate our eight years by next month.

i have not posted anything in a while. even dun sa other blog ko where my true identity is not hidden.. so sorry naman sa makakabasa nito. nagtype lang me. walang edit.

cheers na lang sa mga katulad kong bayani.

anonymity

All this time I thought that by hiding my identity, it would give me more freedom to write. Although I am already hiding on this pen name, I am still hesitant to loose my reign and just type away whatever is on my mind. Still paranoid that someday somebody I know might stumble on this this crap.

Which got me to thinking to have another blog you know. One that has my real identity stamped on it. I suppose I can bear them people I know judge my writing. What the hell. I suppose I just have to bear with it.

There's this cousin of my bhe who's back into blogging. I added him on Facebook that's why I know. Got me inspired I suppose. And on his entry today I discovered his brother is into blogging too.

So there. Maybe with my real name affixed on it I would write more, no? I don't have to announce yet to the peeps I know that I am maintaining a blog. Let them stumble on it.

Yeah I suppose that is what I would do. Create a new one but of course keep this one. This is for certain things that them friends of mine don't necessarily have to know.

listening skills

You know how it is when you were busy minding your own worries in life then somebody comes along and vent out her own frustrations? Momentarily you would forget you own despairs. Much so if her problems are worse than yours.

I stayed late at work to lessen the piling work load of mine, unpaid of course. And there she was at the lobby waiting for another officemate of mine, her closest I suppose. She was part of my program but then got fired for all those tardiness she incurred. During her stay, I would say we were not really friends but she was one of those few peeps I exchanged pleasantries with.

Turned out that friend of hers went home already. So our few exchange of hellos became an hour or so of therapy session. For both of us I would say. As she was venting our her heartaches, I played the shrink part, giving out my two cents about all of it. At the same time, I was also reassessing myself.

I thought it was just a simple case of infidelity. Sure I said to myself I can relate to that. Very much. But as she was unraveling her story, it was worse than I have thought.

Of course there's that third wheel on the picture- that other woman who couldn't care less as long as she gets her man. But other than that, O's problem is biological too. She would have to go under an operation in order to bear a child. Her man of three years from what I could tell didn't love her that much to shoulder the expenses for it

So that's the gist of it. Of course she went out ranting her fears, frustrations etc. around it. I listened to her with an understanding heart and only dished out my own opinions whenever she asked me what to do. My advice on her was that, it is okay to be stupid because of love but up to a point- that she doesn't deserve all of these miseries. She would have to make a decision. She has to demand a decision from her boyfriend as well. And both of them would have to live by it whatever it may be.

I gave her my number just in case she thinks she needs someone to talk. I told her that she can send me message via Facebook too. I even warned her jokingly that if she's planning to have a suicide, I am not the best person for it. She asked her if I could pray for her instead but I apologized since I am an atheist. I simply told her to imagine my own situation, much sadder and lonelier since I don't have a deity to give my up all my problems to.

As I finish this entry of mine, a passing fancy came into my mind. I was wondering now what like cold have been had I finished my college and actually became a psychiatrist/psychologist...

Anyways, back to reality. I suppose my part to play the patient is long overdue. I contacted a friend from college (who is currently taking her master's degree in some behavior studies) to meet with me sometime within this week or two. 

I too need an understanding heart.

beach

Two days ago I caught on TV this local travel show featuring one of these islands north of Palawan. I know we are still somewhat enjoying this cold weather in our evenings but it made me excited for the summer.

I am not fond of the sun mind you. I am more of a rain loving kind of a person. I suppose what had me perked up was the idea of me by the sea shore. How I missed the waves crashing behind my back. My favorite position on the beach is to lay flat on my big belly, my lower half submerged on the waters as I am mindlessly eyeing the passersby.

I wish I could really learn how to swim this year. That mean that I would have to have a week off at least. I am looking forward to go on snorkeling also.

I wouldn't be that afraid anymore once I hit the sea. I wouldn't mind going far beyond where the toes could no longer reach the bottom. I would just let go.

bad blogger

Not because I am a bad writer though. Mediocre I would say. I couldn't be that bad.

So the last time I posted an entry was way back in June last year. Just too darn lazy.

Now that I would be shelling out a thousand bucks a month for my internet connection on this rat hole that I am living, would there be any difference?

My net connection for years was this prepaid broadband stick that only works during the wee hours of the morning. I could have spend those offline time of mine writing my hours away but I didn't. Too lazy as I have said.. Too hesitant also. I don't have much going on with this mundane life of mine. I am a bit afraid also that somebody I knew would stumble on this rubbish I created. There is no denying that it would be me. I would cringe to death if confronted.

Sure I could have written fiction. But that would take more effort I suppose. I don't want to be like those writers in Watt Pad. Their stories are nice I suppose but I simply can not stomach the way they were written. Well to be honest I just read a chapter or two of a couple of novels in there. My boyfriend is still fond of them (so fond he missed a flight) and I tried reading with him sometimes before going to bed.

I suppose I have to ask myself again why the hell I have this blog to begin with. Do I want to gain more friends? Do I intend to make money out of this? Do I want to gain popularity?

The answers for all that is of course no. I simply wanted to express myself. I just wanted to have an outlet where I can drain all these thoughts of mine. I think to much. Day dream too much.

If I manged to gain some friends that would be a tremendous bonus.

Now if only I can tame some of these wild thoughts of mine and capture them in words....