just another shift

So, a few hours from now it would be 2014. I just feel too old, too jaded to welcome another new year. But conformity dictates that everyone must be happy and hopeful later when the clock strikes midnight. My shift is exactly by twelve am however. It would be queuing I imagine. I assume I would simply return my office mates greetings as courtesy.

I am so used spending the holidays on the operations floor. Tonight would be a little different though because I can't go out to watch the fireworks at least.

I have made one public new year's resolution though. I would attempt to quit smoking yet again. I made that sacred pinky promise to one of the very few friends I have at work. This year I only managed to stop for four months. Depression took over so I didn't overcome my addiction.

I made other promises to myself too. Things that I should have been doing a long time ago but couldn't bring myself to do. I should have the words discipline and commitment tattooed on my arms.

I don't see myself as a pessimist. Realist perhaps. The great paradox is I never get tired of dreaming. Even all of them remain just that- dreams.

kuya mario, part 2

Siguradong alam ko magmula nuon ay alam mo na ang aking pagkatao. Patay malisya ka lamang at muling naidlip. Hindi ko na matandaan ang mga sumunod na pangyayari. Siguro umalis ako at lumabas ng bahay na kabado. Ang laki ng takot ko nuon na baka isumbong mo ko kay Mama.

Pero parang wala lang nangyari. Dumating ang araw na tapos na bakasyon mo dito sa Maynila ngunit nag-iwan ka ng ilang damit ewan ko kung bakit. Ako naman ay paulit-ulit na inaalala ang mga sandaling nadama kita. Tandang-tanda ko kung gaano kalaki at kalambot sa pandama kung ano ang mayrooon ka. Aaminin ko sa ngayon na ilang beses ako nagparaos habang inaamoy ang naiwang mong puting brief sa 'yong bag. Hindi ito ang tunay mong amoy- ilang taon ko pa bago madiskubre ang amoy ng kapwa lalaki. Ngunit sa malikot kong pag-iisip nakuntento akong simsimin ang amoy ng panloob mo habang pinapaligaya ko ang aking sarili.

Dalawang taon siguro ang lumipas nang muli kang magbakasyon. Dumating ang pagkakataon na tayo lang dalawa ang naiwan sa bahay. Nagpasya ka muling maidlip sa aming sofa ngunit hindi ka nagpalit ng damit. Sa isip ko nuon, ito na ang tamang pagkakataon.

Hinupan muli kita pero hindi ka nagising. Hinahanap hanap ko ang lambot na nadama ko nuong una ngunit makapal ang maong mong suot. Maingat kong dinadama ang nagmamalaki mong umbok hanggat sa hindi ako nakatiits at unti-unting binaba ang zipper mo.

Hindi ako nangahas na damhin ka sa ganoong paraan lang. Ang pakay ko'y buksan ng lubusan ang pantalon mo subalit hindi kita makalagan mula sa 'yong sinturon. Takot akong magising ka.

Hindi ko na matandaan ngayon kung nilapit ko na lamang ang mukha ko at hinalikang bagya ang bahagi mong gusto kong isubo. Siguro hindi. Siguro yun lamang ang paulit ulit na pagpapantasya ko habang inaalala ang sayang na pagkakataon na 'yon.

Sumuko ako agad at pinagmasdan ka lamang habang natutulog. Nang magising ka at dumiretso sa banyo, naisip kong bigla na hindi ko naibalik ang zipper mo sa pagkakasara. Abot-abot ang nerbiyos ko sa 'yong pagbalik sa sala, sa gagawin mong pag-uusisa, sa komprontasyon. Takot akong mapahiya pero takot din ako kung kaya kong gawin ng tama ang paligayahin ka.......

trending

I use twitter sparingly. It means I am pretty much bored already whenever I open the app. I myself only tweet perhaps four times a month at the very most. Whatever mundane thoughts I have, twitter saves me the trouble of shouting it out directly on Facebook since I have them linked together.

I wouldn't contest the fact of its usefulness. When our tv was busted, I rely on its feed to be updated on the flight of Jessica Sanchez. Just recently it also let me knew that Manny Pacquiao had won while we were waiting for the freaking delayed telecast on national tv. Thank you twitter addicts.

What irks me is how local news program (or perhaps even abroad) would shove down to our throats what has been trending topic on the site. Here's a piece of news to you viewing public and wait yeah it was even a trending topic. And I was like seriously?

I suppose I am an old timer who wants plain good old news program. I couldn't even care less of those opinion of some random person sometimes they air on their segments. You know how it works. They would post a question and everyone could reply-just with their imposed hashtag of course.

I guess all I want is for them to draw the line. They have to remember that what is reflected on the social media doesn't automatically represents the opinion of entire populace. It is a good sample of it sure but I still don't give a damn what is trending or not. There are tons of fame whores out there and putting them into news entice more mindless people  to be fame whores.

kuya mario

Hindi ko alam ang eksaktong agwat ng edad natin pero ang natatandaan ko, teenager pa lang ako ay mamang mama ka na. Matatanda na tayo pareho ngayon pero siguro naman hindi ka tumanda nang husto dahil alam kong may pagkabanidoso ka. Kahit na ba sa bundok ka nakatira at ang ikinabubuhay ay pagsasaka, sa malamang hindi mawawala sa araw-araw mong gawain ang pagtitig sa salamin.

Ganun kita nakilala pinsan. Hindi ko mawari kung bakit mas nanaisin mong gumamit ng tyani sa pagbubunot ng mga balbas at bigote mo. Basta sa twing hapon na lang ay nasa tapat ka ng bintana , may hawak na salamin na maliit sa kaliwa at ang kabila naman ay abala sa pagkuktkot ng buhok sa mukha. Hindi naman kita nahuling nagbunot ng kilay.

Siguro nga maingat at maalaga ka lang sa mukha mo dahil ikaw lang naman ay may hitsura sa inyong magkakapatid. Matipuno pa ang pangangatawan mo dahil sanay sa pagtratrabaho. Lahat ng kalamnan mo ata ay banat sa pagkakatanda ko.

At hindi ko din malilimutan nang minsan hipuan kita. First year high school na siguro ako nuon. Nakahiga ka sa sofa namin at umupo ako sa sahig malapit sa 'yo at kunwari'y nagbabasa ng magasin. Noon ko lamang napansin ang mahahaba mong pili-mata habang ikaw ay naiidlip. Naka-sando ka lamang nuon at ninais kong hagurin ng aking hintuturo ang mga hitik mong bisig.

Sa suot mong shorts na maigsi hindi ko na pinansin pa ang mga makikisig mong binti kundli napokus ang attensyon ko sa bukol na bakat sa pagitan ng mga ito. Malaki siya. Gusto ko siyang hawakan.

Pinilit kong basahin ang hawak ko ngunit sasabog ang dibdib ko sa kaba. Sinusulyapan kita kung nakapikit ka pa din pero napapatitig ako sa iyong pagkalalake. Hindi hamak na mas malaki ito sa imahinasyon ko. Mas malaki sa isa mong nakababatang kapatid na pinakita ang matigas niyang titing tuli (dahil supot pa akong nuong nasa elementarya at pinagmalaki niya lang ang hitsura ng natuli na).

Hindi ko na nagawang pigilin ang sarili ko. Mas nanaig ang pagnanasa kaysa sa takot. Marahan kong pinatong ang kaliwa kong kamay sa shorts mo. Mga dalawang segundo lang yun pero binabalikbalikan ko ang alaalang nasapo kita hanggang ngayon. Hindi ko na nagawa ang ano pa man dahil bigla kang dumilat.

Kagyat ko binawi ang aking kamay at tinungo ang ulo sa babasahin. Subalit nanlabo ang mga mata ko at tila ang mga letra sa pahina na ay umikot-ikot at naghaharutan. Ni hindi na kita makuhang tingnan pa dahil umakyat na ang dugo ko sa ulo at damang-daman ko ang aking lakas ng pintig sa aking mga tenga.......

birthday wishes

I was planning to wake hours before my usual schedule so we can have a dinner at least. No I didn't buy you a gift. I didn't buy you another bouquet of roses also because that was what I have been doing for years. I just wanted to be with you I suppose.

Instead I happily sent those little cute emoticons on our Facebook chat. It was you who suggested we can just have breakfast today because you understand how much I value my sleep because of my work.

You woke up late and we didn't meet. I am happy though. I would love to think you had a blast because you were able to have a celebration with your friends last night. I wonder what could have been different though since it has been your weekly habit anyways, drinking with them. I suppose you foot the bill.

You know I stopped celebrating my own birthdays years ago. I have my reasons. It doesn't mean however that I stopped understanding people who value their special day. I should have never agreed to your suggestion. We could have had a nice dinner to some fancy food place we don't normally go to. I would be delighted to pull the tab.

Anyways, it was over, so cheers to you my love. I wish you all the best life can offer and remember you don't have to share your blessings with me. I would always be okay knowing that you are happy.

I would be sleeping now.

attitude

How does that famous essay about attitude go again? It goes something like you controlling your own mind-set. You may not possibly change the attitude of those around you but you can modify your attitude towards them. For it is indeed draining to get annoyed non-stop; I'd rather pretend they're dead

I have come up with that realization weeks ago but I am not sure how come I can not apply it- say at work (I must start with somewhere so I choose my work because that is where most of my interaction with other people takes place.) Could it be that after all these year I am still that sensitive?

If so, then how would I get an invisible armor for my still overly sensitive personality? Sure I can pretend that I don't care at all with all that nonchalance look but how would I turn that to real indifference?

 --from my journal: Friday, January 4, 2013 11:17 AM

on gadgets

Something new always comes up. It seems like every year manufacturers would offer something new to the public. But when you think about it, it is just a minor improvement to the previous one.

I think it all boils down to sucking people's money and I have a conspiracy theory about it.

I don't think that those people responsible for these technologies actually made improvements on let say yearly basis. I am thinking they had the right and perfect technology of some of these gizmos already but somehow released lesser versions of it first so they can milked the consuming public particularly those who always want an upgrade and have fears of being left behind.

Kung ako ay isang diktador ng bansang ito, mag-iimpose ako ng five year waiting period before importing new electronics. Siguro mas iingatan ng mga tao kung ano ang meron sila. Halimbawa sa cellphones. Ang siste kasi parang ang buhay na lang ng cellphones ngayon ay dalawang taon at the most. Mabilis manawa ang mga tao dahil nga laging may bago. Two years for most people is way too long to have a gadget that is still running because they have this mind set that they have to catch up with whatever the latest is.

It would be only then, every five years, that consumers would have a major upgrade not just incremental updates. 

kaliluha'y siyang naghahari

That moro-moro which was the Senate hearing with Janet Napoles on it only became interesting when it was Sen. Miriam Santiago's turn to ask the questions. That lady never ceases to amaze me with her wit, humor and of course wisdom of the law. At one point I actually thought she have broken Napoles successfully and would draw confessions out of her. Janet's conviction and resilience to keep mum won though. On the other hand there still that glimmer of hope that perhaps she would find the senator's argument reasonable and would come out clean someday soon. Wishful thinking I know.

Ang atensyon ng media ay nakapokus sa kanya pero alam din ng karamihan na ang kinasasangkutan niyang eskandalo ay maliit na parte lamang ng talamak na korupsyon sa gobyerno. Mula sa pinakamataas na opisyal hanggang sa baranggay lebel ay nakakapanindig kalamnan ang pagnanakaw na ginagawa sa kaban ng bayan. Nakakalungkot dahil hindi maitatanggi na bahagi na ito ng kasalukuyang kultura ng bansa na para bang lahat ng mamamayan ay tanggap na ang katotohanan na lahat ng nasa pwesto ay mandarambong.

Paano tayo makakalaya sa ganitong pag-iisip? Tumanda na ako lahat-lahat ay ganito pa din ang sistema. Nakakasawa. Simula nang ako'y magtrabaho mahigit isang dekada na ang nakakaraan ay walang puknat ang pagkaltas ng witholding tax kada sweldo idagdag pa ang VAT sa lahat ng mga serbisyo at produktong binibili. Para ano, para nakawin lang ng iilan?

Ang sentimyento ko ay hinaing din ng karamihan. Ayoko ko na sana isulat ito pero nakakarindi na.

the craigslist

I had never utilized it. Yet from time to time I visit it to see how people market themselves to others be it for love, casual sex or money. I find it fascinating.

I know there are other sites similar to this but I didn't venture to google another one. Whenever I am at that site in incognito mode that means I am bored to death already and I just want to find some thing interesting.

Of course there are real people in there who in the moment of desperation just took the plunge-that chance that somehow they would managed to find the right one. The sad thing is I am seeing the same set of pics and ads every so often. Are they that unlucky? I suppose finding the right person is really that hard. I was on that situation. I was twenty-seven before making an actual commitment. It was on this defunct gay community site that he found out about me. Prior to his first message, I already hooked up with a couple of gay guys that up until this day I regret having sex with.

I am not discounting the fact that perhaps someday I would be one of those people who would post yet another ad about themselves. The world is getting smaller with the technology we have but it can still be a damn lonely place.

run run run

Hanep no. In fairness uso pa din ang mga fun run ngayon. Akala ko ay pang-isang taon lang ang fad na ito at lilipas din. Pero it is here to stay for good.

Which is not bad at all. Actually gusto ko nga sumali sa mga ganyan kahit one time lang. Ang kaso umiiral na naman ang katamaran ko. Isasangkalan ko na naman ang pagiging call center agent ko. 

Pero meron akong mga ka-opisina na career mode sa mga ganito kaya. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano nila ito ginagawa. Mukha naman tumatakbo naman sila for real at hindi sumasali lang para sa photo op for instagram or facebook. I don't know how they do it. Time management maybe?

One of these days I swear I would join those peeps. I don't do exercise na nga so siguro to join those kinds of event twice a year would be enough. Oh di ba bonggang papawis ever pagnagkataon.

Pero siguro bili muna ko ng maganda shu-es pangtakbo. 

my love affair with yosi

It's more than six years already. When I was kid I couldn't understand why my foster father or any people for that matter smoke. I had this vague understanding that maybe that's what addiction does to someone. And there's no denying that I am a nicotine addict for a couple of years now.

Nung nag-aaral pa ako sa peyups nakikisabay lang ako sa mga barkada ko tuwing may inuman. Ang katwiran ko imbes mabugahan ay makipagsabayan na lang ako. Hithit-buga nga lang ang gawa ko nuon. Takot ako ipadaan sa baga dahil alam kong ikaka-adik ko.

That what was what I been doing for years after I dropped out of college. One might say I was just an occasional smoker. Naninigarilyo lang naman kasi ako talaga 'pag may laklakan na bihira din naman. Then I nailed this job as a CSR.

I am stuck with this job for more than six years now and I am stuck with this addiction. There has been several attempts for me to quit of course. Last time was a couple of months ago. Akalain mo four months sans nicotine and I stopped cold turkey for that. 

Natakot kasi ako sa universe eh.

Ganito yun. Atheist kasi ako eh so dahil wala akong deity, sa sansinukob ako nagpromise. Oo totoo. Ang sabi ko kasi since nagawaan ko nang paraan ang nagawa kong pagkakamali sa work at dahil tingin ko naman ay nagcoconspire din naman somehow ang universe  sa aking happiness ay nanumpa akong hindi na hihithit pa ng yosi. 

So anong nangyari? Nalungkot kasi ako. I forgot the specifics but it was about the same shitty stuff I suppose. At that time lang na-depress talaga ako. So nagbalik loob ako sa aking bisyo.

Saka sa trabaho ko ang hirap iwasan kasi. Hindi ako mahilig makihalubilo sa iba,yun tipong dadalaw sa stations ng mga kakilala para lang makipagchika-chika kahit may calls. Sa pagyoyosi sa labas at least I managed to carry a chat with other people. That is my way of socializing so to speak. Saka sa yosi break din nagsisilabasan ang mga chismax eh.

Nung mga buwan na nag-quit ako dun nagtaasan ang presyo nga mga sigarilyo dahil sa sin tax. Mabuti na nga lang may Lucky Strike pala dahil mas mababa ng presyo ito  kesa sa kinasanayang kong Marlboro Lights. But just a couple of days ago, I discovered Pall Mall in 7-11. Abay bente-singko pesos lang ang isang pack. So ito lagi ang sumusunog nga aking baga sa twina.

It is sad no? We nicotine addicts are fully aware of the bad effects of cigarettes yet we continue to burn money for it. At one point nga napaisip na din ako na ito kayang mga ka-jammin ko sa yosi break, sila-sila din kaya ang makakasama ko sa ward ng Lung Center if ever?

Oh well. The new year is fast approaching. Time to make those listings again. Alam na. 

too many stuff but no time

I haven't watched the third season of Game of Thrones yet. I only have watched the first four episodes of Breaking Bad. Then there's this latest season of Downton Abbey. And my gosh Sherlock!

For some reason I can not bring myself to do some binge watching of the series I love. I could have find time of course but I can't bring myself to it. By the time I got home from work what I usually do is to surf the channels instead. Somehow I always think it is not the right time. But when is the right time?

I got a couple of free e-books waiting to be read. My excuse on that is it is taxing to read these on my laptop. But I have a real book borrowed from a friend-The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest and yet I only read the first two chapters so far. I have read its first book on just three days but somehow I couldn't bring myself to finish this last installment right away. Not the right time.

I think it only reflects the kind of person that I still am. How many times did I attempt to do some planning, to do some scheduling of sorts? I was never this kind of person who outline his tasks so that he can managed his lifestyle. I just always go with the flow. Perhaps at the back of my mind I took this saying a bit too seriously: Life is what happens when I am busy making plans.

fresh start

Shit. Anyare?

All this time akala ko nabura ko na lahat ang mga previous entries ko dito. Sa totoo lang ilang buwan na sa aking 'tong bago kong laptop pero ngayon ko lang nabuksan ang blogger ko. Why? Well kasi heto na naman ako. Here is another attempt of mine to write my thoughts and have it expose it online. Ang hirap kasi sa akin eh tamad ako to maintain it.

I can't even put a daily entry to my journal. I have tons of excuses.

Oh well. Enough of this intro of sorts. I would just write write and write....

buwan ng wika

Helllo A__. Nasa huling linggo na tayo ng Buwan ng Wika kaya hayaan mo nang kausapin kita sa Filipino. Minsan lang naman ito.

Hindi na naman ako nakakapagsulat nitong mga huling araw alam ko. Pasensiya naman. Aaminin kong hindi talaga ako naglaan ng panahon upang kausapin ka.

Wala namang nagbago sa akin eh. Ganoon pa din naman ako. Ang kinaibahan lang ngayong mga sandali ay hindi ako nababalot sa kalungkutan.

Teka napaka-pormal ko bang magsalita? Hayaan mo na ako. 'Pag dating kasi sa panunulat sa Tagalog ay ninanais kong angat ito sa kaysa sa aking pananalita. Oo alam kong Filipino na ang tawag sa ating pambansang wika pero hindi mo maitatanggi na malaking bahagi nito ay base sa dialektong Tagalog kaya madalas ganoon pa din ang bansag ko dito.

Matagal na din akong hindi nakapanulat nang ganito 'no? Nakakapanibago. Ang siste pa ay halos lahat ng mga naitipa kong salita sa Word ay sinalungguhitan ng pula dahil Ingles ang lingwahe ng program. Susubukin kong mag-download ng Tagalog para sa diksyunaryong kaakibat nito. 'Yung ay kung mayroon.

Napanood ko pala ang isang dokumentaryo tungkol sa ating wika. Nakalimutan ko na ang pamagat ng episode ng Che Che Lazaro Presents na 'yon. Masasabi kong makabuluhan ang naturang pagtatalakay. Akalain mo ba naman na hanggang sa ngayon pala ay maigting pa din ang pagtatalo tungkol sa lingua franca ng ating bansa. May mga myembro pa din ng akademya na sensitibo at marubdob ang opinyon sa ganitiong usapin. May mga ilang na eksperto sa Filipino na nagsasabing dapat panatilihin ang wastong balarila sa wastong ikayayaman ng wika. Mayroon din naman (mga propesor sa U.P. karamihan) na nagsasabi naman na dahil daynamiko ang bata nating linggwahe ay hindi natin ito dapat itali sa mga lumang panuntunan dahil ang importante ay ang pagkakaintindihan.

Ginawa nilang halimbawa ay ang salitang madalas gamitin ng mga reporter: kaganapan. Ang palasak na gamit nito ay ang para bang diretsong pagsasalin ng salitang Inggles na happpening. Subalit ang tunay na kahulugan nito pala ay fullfillment.

Ano sa tingin mo A__? Sa akin mas papaning ata ako dun sa mga nagpapaka-purist. Sabihin na nga nating patuloy pa sa pag-eebolb ang ating batang-bata wika at hindi maiiwasan ang kagyat na pagbabago ng mga kahulugan lalo na sa mga bagong salita. Ang sa ganang akin ay hanggat maari ay dapat maging mapagmatyag ang mga tagataguyod ng ating wika laban sa padalos-dalos na pagbabago lalo na sa maling pagkakahulugan sa mga salitang naririyan na sa ating bokabularyo.

Natapos ko ang programang nag-iisip ng mga posibilidad kung sakaling pinaglinang ko ang paggamit ng Filipino sa pagsusulat. Naging ganap na manunulat kaya ako?

Nakakatuwa malaman mula sa naturang dokumentaryo na ang ilan sa mga popular na libro gaya ng Harry Potter ay naisalin na pala sa Filipino. Ang kompanyang responsable dito ay siya ding taga-limbang ng Precious Hearts pocket books. Natuwa ako dahil naroroon ang intensyon nilang gawing popular ang Filipino. Ngayon baka naman may magkutya naman, na kung ano ang ba K ng isang taga-imprenta ng mga babasahing tinatangkilik lamang ng bakyang crowd. Ano naman? Isasalin din nila ata ang Fifty Shades of Grey series. Hindi 'bat wala ding literary value ang nasabing trilogy subalit mabenta sa mga bansang gumagamit ng Ingles. Ang importante dito ay pagtaguyod nila ng wikang Filipino sa masa.

Alam mo A__ parang pareho lang ata nakakapagod magsulat sa Filipino. Nahihirapan din akong humabi ng mga pangungusap kaya. Teka ano kaya kung subukin kong magpadala ng mga lathalain sa kung ano mang website na nasa Filipino? Naku wala akong alam na website na ganoon pala liban sa mga panakanakang pananagalog ng mga blogs na sinusundan ko.

Tatlong buwan ka nang mahigit sa akin A__ at puro gastos pa ang nagagawa ko sa 'yo. Sana matulungan mo naman akong kumita ng pera. Kaya nga ako bumili ng laptop ay para maisakatuparan ko ang ambisyong kong maging nobelista o kahit na kolumnista man lang.

Hindi kita sinusumbatan ah. Alam ko namang kasalanan ko ang lahat. Tingnan mo nga yan. Wala pa halos tatlong pahina ang naisusulat ko ay napapagod na ako at natatamad.

Siguro ipapahinga ko muna ito. Susulat muli ako sa Filipino siguro hanggat maaari. Marahil sa wikiang ito talaga ang tinig kong nararapat dinggin.

-- from my journal

new year, new perspective

Sometimes all that we need is a friend who is just simply there to listen to you; one who wouldn't try to match your rants with her own set of frustrations in life. Only then one would get a fresh perspective in life- a different point of view.

I finally found time to catch up with Friendship. T__ and I had chatted the hours away in Starbucks. We had lunch at Bon Chon after.

It is indeed refreshing that I was able to talk with somebody else about my hang ups in life. One who is actually there to listen and seemed genuinely interested. And as expected all those things that worries me appear trivial now.

She suggested that I should be getting a life of my own. That I should do something else for myself so I wouldn't end up with this feeling of not being prioritized. I agreed with her that maybe I can try with that study program she was telling me so I can finish my degree. Hopefully she would really ask those people she knew about that process. It is definitely worth considering.

We talked about our classmates of course, swapping little facts that we knew of. Then I suddenly miss those other guys that I was really close to. Perhaps one of these days I would also find time to meet them all up.

She also suggested for me to keep a blog (I didn't confess to her that I already have one). That I should keep on writing because I am good at it. Well you know that I am not really good at anything. Perhaps it is high time now for me to devote my energy and existence in the written words.

Which is why I am still here typing my thoughts away when I should be sleeping instead. I hear mum constantly in the background nagging me that I should be in bed because it would be difficult for me later to get out of it.

But I am still trying to fill this page with my thoughts.

Here's what I am planning to do everyday: I must write an entry daily on my Starbucks planner then expound it here. I would try write at least a page and that should take about two hours of my time. Then I should devote a minimum of one hour for reading. I have that Cloud Atlas novel from B__ that I should finish within this month because I intend to read a book once a month.

Sounds familiar? I know. I have already promised you that. Well what are new year's for but to start anew?

---from  my journal