new year, new perspective

Sometimes all that we need is a friend who is just simply there to listen to you; one who wouldn't try to match your rants with her own set of frustrations in life. Only then one would get a fresh perspective in life- a different point of view.

I finally found time to catch up with Friendship. T__ and I had chatted the hours away in Starbucks. We had lunch at Bon Chon after.

It is indeed refreshing that I was able to talk with somebody else about my hang ups in life. One who is actually there to listen and seemed genuinely interested. And as expected all those things that worries me appear trivial now.

She suggested that I should be getting a life of my own. That I should do something else for myself so I wouldn't end up with this feeling of not being prioritized. I agreed with her that maybe I can try with that study program she was telling me so I can finish my degree. Hopefully she would really ask those people she knew about that process. It is definitely worth considering.

We talked about our classmates of course, swapping little facts that we knew of. Then I suddenly miss those other guys that I was really close to. Perhaps one of these days I would also find time to meet them all up.

She also suggested for me to keep a blog (I didn't confess to her that I already have one). That I should keep on writing because I am good at it. Well you know that I am not really good at anything. Perhaps it is high time now for me to devote my energy and existence in the written words.

Which is why I am still here typing my thoughts away when I should be sleeping instead. I hear mum constantly in the background nagging me that I should be in bed because it would be difficult for me later to get out of it.

But I am still trying to fill this page with my thoughts.

Here's what I am planning to do everyday: I must write an entry daily on my Starbucks planner then expound it here. I would try write at least a page and that should take about two hours of my time. Then I should devote a minimum of one hour for reading. I have that Cloud Atlas novel from B__ that I should finish within this month because I intend to read a book once a month.

Sounds familiar? I know. I have already promised you that. Well what are new year's for but to start anew?

---from  my journal

brooding

So here I am bored. It is raining outside with some thunder going on, you know- the works. I like it.

My partner arrived at their office a few hours back. Their flight would be later at around five a.m. I hope they have a safe flight. I hope their event there in Bohol would be a success too.

So he had been out of town for several times already this year. He had been to Marinduque, Batanes and now Bohol. As for me, I had never left Metro Manila yet this year. Pathetic isn't it?

Oh yeah I don't have to dwell again on my mundane existence.

Anyways I told my partner that I would be on hiatus from internet. I was about to add a comment about that saying “ignorance being bliss” but knowing how our communication works, I didn't blurt it out. What I just told him was that I was so bored that I would start using Swype again on my Galaxy Y so he'd better pardon my English language.

Anyways because I still went online I learned via Facebook that he managed to meet again his friends and they hang out in SM. What does it have to do with me?

Well that was he have been doing for years. It just of late that he started with this new routine: playing badminton then drinking after wards. I understand and respect that he had a need a time of his own. I guess I just feel bad because one, I don't have other people to hang out with and second, it appears like our relationship would be just like that, another routine of his. I am just a weekend lover. And not the complete weekend mind you. Just Saturdays.

It would be a relief actually that we would not meet by next weekend. He would still be in Bohol. I am not sure yet if I would tag along with Ate J__ who frequent this gay bar. As much as I would like to- because I haven't been in one yet, I don't think I can afford it. That and the consequences that would follow.

Tomorrow I would write more coherently. Promise.

belated happy birthday to me

It has a been a while I know.

I have not written anything for I tried to be busy with something else. To be honest all I have been busy with was being depressed and all.

But today I am okay now. A bit.

You know what I realized within the past weeks or so? I have come to the conclusion that I do not really love myself. That is the root cause of all of these unwanted feeling of emptiness and loneliness. Up until now, I have not loved myself completely.

Which is why even though I know my partner loves me dearly, somehow I do not feel it completely. How can trust someone would love me wholeheartedly if I don't even love myself?

I guess the challenge for me then is to accept myself for who I am. For what I have. For what I am capable of.

The role has been given to me but I have not accepted my part still. All this time I still pretend to be someone else. The person whom I wanted to be still remain in my daydreams.

How can I get out of this mess? There are plenty of ways. I guess I have to start a new.

May is almost over. Yes I am officialy two and thirty years of age. It is yet high time for me to re-invent myself. Or rather, to be the best person I can possibly be.


---from my journal