brooding

So here I am bored. It is raining outside with some thunder going on, you know- the works. I like it.

My partner arrived at their office a few hours back. Their flight would be later at around five a.m. I hope they have a safe flight. I hope their event there in Bohol would be a success too.

So he had been out of town for several times already this year. He had been to Marinduque, Batanes and now Bohol. As for me, I had never left Metro Manila yet this year. Pathetic isn't it?

Oh yeah I don't have to dwell again on my mundane existence.

Anyways I told my partner that I would be on hiatus from internet. I was about to add a comment about that saying “ignorance being bliss” but knowing how our communication works, I didn't blurt it out. What I just told him was that I was so bored that I would start using Swype again on my Galaxy Y so he'd better pardon my English language.

Anyways because I still went online I learned via Facebook that he managed to meet again his friends and they hang out in SM. What does it have to do with me?

Well that was he have been doing for years. It just of late that he started with this new routine: playing badminton then drinking after wards. I understand and respect that he had a need a time of his own. I guess I just feel bad because one, I don't have other people to hang out with and second, it appears like our relationship would be just like that, another routine of his. I am just a weekend lover. And not the complete weekend mind you. Just Saturdays.

It would be a relief actually that we would not meet by next weekend. He would still be in Bohol. I am not sure yet if I would tag along with Ate J__ who frequent this gay bar. As much as I would like to- because I haven't been in one yet, I don't think I can afford it. That and the consequences that would follow.

Tomorrow I would write more coherently. Promise.

belated happy birthday to me

It has a been a while I know.

I have not written anything for I tried to be busy with something else. To be honest all I have been busy with was being depressed and all.

But today I am okay now. A bit.

You know what I realized within the past weeks or so? I have come to the conclusion that I do not really love myself. That is the root cause of all of these unwanted feeling of emptiness and loneliness. Up until now, I have not loved myself completely.

Which is why even though I know my partner loves me dearly, somehow I do not feel it completely. How can trust someone would love me wholeheartedly if I don't even love myself?

I guess the challenge for me then is to accept myself for who I am. For what I have. For what I am capable of.

The role has been given to me but I have not accepted my part still. All this time I still pretend to be someone else. The person whom I wanted to be still remain in my daydreams.

How can I get out of this mess? There are plenty of ways. I guess I have to start a new.

May is almost over. Yes I am officialy two and thirty years of age. It is yet high time for me to re-invent myself. Or rather, to be the best person I can possibly be.


---from my journal

kaimito

Halos ilang taon na, dekada na yata ng huli akong kumain ng prutas na ito. Pakwan ang pinabibili ko kay mama pero kaimito ang binili.

Nakakatuwa. Alam kong nakabaon sa limot ang lasa nito pero habang nilalasap ko ang isa, bumalik ang mga sandali ng aking pagkamusmos na lumalantak ng madagtang prutas.. Kinalakihan ko kasing may dalawang puno kami ng kaimito at pagkaganitong mga buwan ito namumunga.

Isa lang ang kaya ko at ng mg kalaro ko na akyatin na puno, yun medyo mababa at nakahilig na. Mabubuwal sana siguro yun ng bagyo kaya ganun pero nagkamalay ako na ganun na siya. Yun isang puno naman ay mataas at mga matatanda lang ang kayang umakyat.

Habang kumakain pa ako ng isa, nagbalik-tanaw kami sa nakaraan ni mama.

Kwentuhan sa mga bagay-bagay na kaya naming tandaan tungkol sa dalawang puno. Alam ko nakatayo pa din ang mga ito nang una akong makagat ng aso. Habang nakatakbo ang ibang mga iba at ang pinsan ko ay nakaakyat naman, ako ay naging tuod at naiwan sa gitna at tuloy nakagat sa pwet.

Hindi naglaon pinutol din ang dalawang punong yun. Nakakapanghinayang dahil matatamis pa naman ang mga bunga nito. Kinailangan kasi magtayo pa ng bahay sa likuran para mapaupahan.

At nang maubos ko na ang nilalantakan ko, biglang sumagi san isipian ko ang pantasya ng ako ay bata pa. May mga hapon kasi na tinitingala ko nun ang matayog na puno at sa isip ay makailang beses ko itong naakyat hanggang sa

tuktok. Pakiwari ko nun matatanaw ko ang lahat ng kamaynilaan. Duon lang ako hanggang sa tawagin na ako ni mama at magkakagulo na ang mga tao kung paano ako pabababain. Tatanawin ko lamang sila sa ibaba at pagpalubog na ang araw, saka ako magpapatihulog.