unhappy

I am. For the longest time I suppose. I have never been truly happy. Like 24/7 kind of happy, Sure I have a couple or two moments of pure bliss. But that’s what they are. Moments.

Most of the time it is shitty. Every day of the week. Different variations, different degrees but still the same shit.

So what do I do to ease my weary mind? I don't do drugs and I am not planning to ever. Yes, I have oral sex every weekend but that’s just about it.

If listening to music fails me, I chant. Hell yeah, I chant like a freaking Buddhist monk. Silly right for an atheist like me. But you got to understand. In some way or another, I have to trick this fucking brain of mine to shut the fuck up.

So yeah. That is what I do. It has been a couple of days now that I chant “om nama shivaya”. In various styles mind you.

You could blame the book Eat, Pray, Love. Hey, it is a good book. Well, I have not finished yet but so far it was funny. And sad. I promise to be done with it by the end of this month. And yeah sure I will watch the move again.

So cheers to my mundane life. I am writing this because I am really down. Like several weeks depressed kind of down. So I guess I’d better write again and revive this blog.

2015

Two weeks more and another year will end. I don't exactly know how to describe the year that was. Had I been happy? Well, my share of anxiety and insecurities are greater it seems. The only consolation is I survived it all.

I made no accomplishment whatsoever. It still was and is the same old me. I have been either too afraid or complacent to get out of my comfort zone. I am as always stuck on this mud that I so much hate.

On the other hand, I guess I am still one hell of a lucky son of a bitch. I am still non-reactive. I am glad that two of my friends in college are also negative. We are due to have another test by February next year. But I fucked him unsafe this morning. I know. Such stupidity.

That is exactly what is wrong with. I have no self-control at times. No discipline. This year alone I think I attempted to quit smoking three or four times. I am still the same nicotine addict that I am. The thing is, and this had been my excuse for the longest time, this is the only vice I have. This is the only way I can "bond" with my other office mates. When we go down to smoke, that is the only time we can talk some other stuff other than work. And some other stuff that is not supposed to be shared with other peeps.

I am 35 years old and I feel so old. Never felt this when I was 34. For crying out loud I will be 36 by next May of next year. This worries me a lot. And so does my big belly. The latest pair of jeans I bought is already size 36! No I am not that fat-looking. All these unwanted fats are concentrated on my midsection that I almost look like pregnant. Heck I bet if is still have long flowing locks, people will think I am with a child and that I have a womb.

So there. That basically sums up my 2015. A year that I was depressed most of the times.

national heroes day

ang alam ko, tanga lungs ako. the things you do for love...

sabi ng kabarkada ko nun college, martir ako. bayani. kaya daw siguro ngayon ang movie date namin eh kasi national heroes day. pak. sakto para sa 'kin. appreciation day ba ganyan.

natawa naman ako. ay bet ko i-shout out yan. gow lang daw at ila-like nya. kaso how can i do it without being so obvious. wag na nga lang. okay naman kami eh. 

pero kahit siya na kaibigan ko na hindi alam ang buong storya knows it is superficial. panlabas lang ba. i said i can manage. i have been managing for more than a year now. so i told him one of this days i will tell him the whole story. 

so far, only four people knows about it. sa side ko that is.

he's family knows he have the disease na. the last time i went with his family was to have this father's day dinner sa UP Town Center. parang wala lang... 

so anong bago sa amin? wala. once a week pa din kami magkita. minsan twice 'pag nasa mood siya or pag may holiday just like today. pero sa mga kabadminton nya, mga twice or thrice a week....maybe i should give him a deadline too so that his so called buddies will know the whole deal? 

i  supposed to get my third test nun july pa. anong petsa na di ba. siguro by next week i will make it a point na talaga. i will bring my other college kabarkada. hopefully pareahas lang kami non-reactive still. got to have that test before we celebrate our eight years by next month.

i have not posted anything in a while. even dun sa other blog ko where my true identity is not hidden.. so sorry naman sa makakabasa nito. nagtype lang me. walang edit.

cheers na lang sa mga katulad kong bayani.